Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize