I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
