Too much gin, very little bucket
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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