im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
