I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
