I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
