three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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