how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
