we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Pooping to opera.
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