i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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