So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
