you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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