Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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