i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
