he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
