I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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