mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
