So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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