I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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