you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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