This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
