he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
