My friends, they love my intelligence
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
