Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
