you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
