He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
His nipple licking is glorious
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