I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Your topless pictures make me question reality
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
