Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
