Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
