I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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