she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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