Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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