my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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