Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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