two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize