Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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