Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
