My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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