if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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