I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
