in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize