none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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