I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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