Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
