TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
