Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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