I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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