I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
