I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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