This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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