also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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