God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
