would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
