Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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