Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
